U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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