i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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