3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
