so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
