im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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