areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
