I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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