i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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