If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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