oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
