Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I lost the right to judge tonight
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
