AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
