I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
