In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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