I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
