im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
