I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
