Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
