the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
