just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My butt remains clenched, sir.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
