I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
