the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i think my cat just said my name.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
