she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
