I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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