So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
