Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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