I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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