Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
