sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She announced her abortion via fbk
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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