You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
