Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
