i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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