You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
