Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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