nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
