Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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