dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
