he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
