Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
