FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
