You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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