Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
