I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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