Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
