I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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