A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
