is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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