Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I met the friendliest cop last night
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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