: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
