I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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