what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
