I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
