Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
